REBORN BIBLE 2.0: The 2nd Coming of the American Rapture

Synopsis

THE REBORN BIBLE 2.0

B.COVR

Before His favorite nation goes to hell in a handbasket, God bets the Devil He can save it by turning today’s presidents into His patriarchs. Weaving together modern and Biblical events and historic quotes in nine action-packed chapters, this religious-political satire ramps up the gospel’s greatest hits, climaxing with the Second Coming of Obama.

The Almighty recreates Adam as George “Poppy” Bush. The First Man eats the White House garden Tree of Knowledge fruit, instead of broccoli. Seeing his “thousand points of light,” he breaks the Grand Old Philistine commandments, raises taxes and is driven from paradise.

ADAMms

George Jr. reclaims the family throne by raising Cain: he slays his GOP brother (John the McCainaanite), the PowerPoint Jesus (Al Gore) then the Butcher of Baghdad (Saddam). Disguised as a dove, God gives W the mark of Cain while he’s birdhunting with Cheney at his Texas Prairie Chapel. Wasted on martinis, Dick wings God.

CAINms

The Lord unleashes Katrina. Noah Al, Tipper, and the Washington zoo weather it in his Bio-Solar One. Move On blames the Flood on the Gipper’s arms-for-hostages deal, his voodoo economics, and Queen Nancy’s L.A. astrologer. The Moral Majority blames the divine blowback on the sanctimonious kvetcher, Jimmy Job, as well as Beelzebubba Bill and Bathsheba (Monica Lewinsky).

DAVIDms

When FEMA botches the Flood clean-up, God sends down His adopted son. The Hawaiian brother from Kenya tells GOP birthers: “I was not born in a manger. I was actually born on Krypton and sent here to save the Planet Earth. Barack is actually Swahili for ‘That One.’” The GOP fights to make the One a one term-messiah, denying him a second coming in Obamageddon.

Against the Magic Negro they pit Mitt the Mormon with his magic underpants from the angel Moroni. At the Reagan Library, Mitt raises the deified president with jellybeans, and gets tips on how to purge the 47%. Meantime, Obama consults with the ghost of Abraham in the Lincoln bedroom, then raises JFK in Arlington for advice on how to win a debate.

The Sanhedrin Supremes condemn the Magic Negro for resurrection without AMA approval, imposing universal health care, etc. The T’Partiers and Crucifix-in-the-Cleavage Sisterhood (Sarah Palin, Ann Coulter, et al) nail the Aloof One to his $16 trillion deficit cross. The gale winds of Sandy, God’s final Flood, blow Obama off the cross to the Jersey shore and into the arms of Christ Cristie. The governor praises him as “the Comforter-in-Chief,” clinching the election for him.

The smitten Mitt jacks Virgin Airlines’ rocketship, Eve, and self-deports to his Bethlehem: the  Red Planet. Mars. Standing beforeCuriosity’s live-feed cameras to Earth, he inaugurates himself President of Mars, then takes the Fox foxes as his wives to spawn a pure GOP Maker race.

God and the Devil now make a tie-breaker, sudden-death bet on the Holy Land. A Burning Bush in New Canaan commands ex-senator Holy Joe Liebermann to lead a new Exodus.

9.MOSES

Jacking the Blue Angels, Joe airdrops Ambien on Israel, loads U.S. carriers with 7,956,000 unconscious Jews and sails to L.A. Fleeing Hollywood fire and brimstone, the lost tribe takes Mt. Carmel Highway to the look-alike Promised Land: Nevada.

The Israelites turn the Mohave and Joshua Tree into an oasis of kibitzes and missile factories. After Joe invades the West Bank (Salt Lake) and threatens to turn Texas from the Lode Star to the Six-Star state, the Utah Mormon ULO and Texas Baptist TLO throw rocks into Tel Aviva. The Jews and Gentiles face-off for God’s country: Dreamworks David (Geffen) vs. Goliath (Arnold Schwarzenegger). The pay-per-view bout climaxes when gay executive circumcises the Terminator, the ex-governor baptizes the music mogul, and they get married.

Back in the old country, the Middle Eastern economy is tanking; without war, oil is worthless. After the tyrants (Ahmadinejad and Ayatollah) decapitate themselves, surviving Persians and Palestinians beg Bibi Netanyahu to return. Homesick, the prime minister agrees. Arriving in Jerusalem, the Israelites are embraced by the new, improved Arabs – women, children, and gays.

And so it was that God won His creation back.

 

***

 

ENDORSEMENTS

“With all the damnations & deliverances, plagues & blessings,

crucifixions & resurrections, false prophets & messiahs,

of the original – and then some. Deorum cibus est!”

St. Augustine

*

“A true divine comedy: heavenly delightful, devilishly smart.”

Dante Alighieri

*

“I nailed my 95 Theses to the Church door 500 years ago and

started the Reformation. God’s Holy Ghostwriter, Comfort,

e-nails his to the CyberSpace door, and only the Lord

knows what brave new age he hath wrought.”

Martin Luther

 *

“I got burnt at the stake for far less.”

Joan of Arc

 

***

 

 

Contents

Part One

THE NEW OLD TESTAMENT

I. THE BOOK OF GEORGE                                                                              6

II. THE BOOK OF W.                                                                                        16

III. THE BOOK OF  AL                                                                                       31

IV. THE BOOK OF SARAH                                                                               42

V. THE BOOK OF RONNIE                                                                              55

VI. THE BOOK OF JIMMY                                                                                  66

VII. THE BOOK OF BILL                                                                                    79

 

Part Two

THE NEW NEW TESTAMENT

VIII. THE BOOK OF OBAMA                                                                             94

IX. THE BOOK OF JOE                                                                                   160

 ***

Chapter Excerpt: 

VIII.

THE BOOK OF OBAMA

 OBAMA

Obama with Mitt, St. Paul, and John the McCainaanite

(after Callisto Plazza Da Lodi’s Nailing of Christ to the Cross, 1538)

 

Cast of Characters:

JESUS: Barack Hussein Obama

MARY MAGDELENE: Michelle

MARTHA: Hillary Clinton

12 DISCIPLES: Obama’s Cabinet

JOESEPH OF ARIMETHEA: Joe Biden

APOSTLE JOHN (Son of Thunder): Rahm Emmanuel

LAZARUS: JFK

LEGION (The Demoniac): John McCain

PROPHET BALAAM: Rush Limbaugh

HIS ASS: Herself

PONTIUS PILATE: Judge John Roberts

SANHEDRIN PRIEST 1: John Boehner

SANHEDRIN PRIEST 2: Darrell Issa

GRAND OLD PHARISEE (GOP) ACCUSERS:

Mitt Romney

Herman Cain

Rick Santorum

Rick Perry

Glenn Beck

Sean Hannity

 

1.

 The One was born in the new Bethlehem, Honolulu. His white mother, Mary, known as Stanley, hailed from Kansas, the land of the Kushites. His black father, Joseph, known as Barack, hailed from Kenya, the land of the Kenites. So, in the child coursed the mixed blood of all men.

In the Kapi’olani Maternity, Stanley swaddled Obama and laid him to rest in a manger. No wisemen came to adore him for the wise were now crucified, or stupified.

In the land of the Magi, the One was schooled in Allah, and in the Almighty at St. Francis of Assisi Academy. On return to his native land, he was stoned. “When I was a kid, I inhaled frequently. That was the point,” he told the lawyers who later challenged him in the temple. Calling this his greatest moral failure, he confessed, “I wished to push questions of who I was out of my mind.”[1]

Indeed, one brother called him black, another white, another an Oreo cookie. Some said he was Hawaiian, others Hammite, others Indonesian. Some swore he was a Christian, others a Muslim, others a godless idolater. Some testified he was a Cubs fan, others a White Sox, others a Red Sox.

In the Windy City, the One helped the Acorn and DCP church carpenters build affordable tents and temples. Along the banks of the Calumet he was christened by Jeremiah the Baptist. He then journeyed into the South Side wilderness. Here he was tried and tempted for four hundred forty days and nights by the devils of the ’08 campaign.

On Meet the Philistine, Face the Pharisee and many another show, adversaries cursed him on account of Jeremiah the Baptist who had damned America, saying its chickens had come home to roost, toppling the Trade Tower of Babel.

When Obama charged the Grand Old Philistines with bitterness, “They cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them,” the warriors brandished their Shooters’ Bibles and banana clips, denying it.

When he told Joseph the Plumber that the hungry would be satisfied and that spreading around the gold was good for all, John the McCainaanite denounced him. He answered his rival: “Verily, he shall soon be accusing me of being a secret communist because I shared my peanut butter and jelly sandwich in kindergarten.”

Though his parables puzzled men, the One won over their hearts with the audacity of his hope and the dreams of his father. “Change you can believe in!” he exhorted them. “Yes, we can!”

Before Obama emerged from the wilderness, even Joe, son of Biden, his brother who competed against him for the divided kingdom, declared: “I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that’s storybook, man.”

So the One, after being anointed by the divine O herself, won the throne of America. Before all his kingdom’s colors and creeds, he delivered his sermon on the mount from the Hill, by teleprompter.

He spoke of a new dawn. He urged his countrymen to love their neighbors – to reach across the aisle, to share a beer and pass a Hate Crime Prevention Act. He entreated them to love even their enemies, to talk with terrorists and to destroy the dungeon called Gitmo. Imploring them to turn the other cheek, he proposed gun and waterboard control. Preaching seek and ye shall find, knock and the door will be opened, he promised transparency and called the White House the People’s House.

2.

The new king journeyed to Lake Michigan to call his cabinet. Here he met his Israelite brother, Rahm, son of Emanuel. In Hebrew, Emanuel meant “God is with us.” Rahm meant “lofty,” though his height was scarcely five cubits.

The Israelite had inherited the fiery spirit of his Nazirite forefather, Samson, who had slain the Grand Old Philistines with the jawbone of a blue ass. So the GOP called him Rahmbo. The One called him The Son of Thunder[2], for he spoke of razing cities and collecting tax-cutters’ heads. In his youth, while butchering firstlings for Arby, Rahm had beheaded his once mighty middle finger. Rendered briefly mute, he became a dancer, a tri-athlete, a moneychanger, and chief minister to Obama’s predecessor, the Great Prevaricator himself. He fished on Fridays and sent his dead catch to Pisces pollsters who displeased him.

When the young king reached the lake, a downcast Son of Thunder was collecting his nets after a luckless morning. Wishing to escape the press of the paparazzi, Obama boarded his brother’s ark and ordered him to row out.

No sooner had the lofty one dropped his net, than it was filled to bursting with bio-engineered bass, Bud empties, boots, and Black Sabbath tees. As his boat began to sink with the catch, Rahm fell to his knees at the stern. “Leave me, Lord, sinner that I am!” he begged. [3]

The One knew of his friend’s sins, having heard the story of how he had called out his enemies’ names at a feast, stabbing the dinner table with each, crying, “Dead! Dead! Dead!”

So, the king reached into the brimming net and handed him a frankenfish, saying: “Fear not. Now you shall be a fisher of men.” [4]

Leaving the lake, Obama and his new chief-of-staff journeyed throughout the land and called the other eleven:

Hillary, Apostle of Foreign Spin, Smoke, and Mirrors;

Hilda, Apostle of Slaves and Overseers;

Tim, Apostle of Moneychangers and Usurers;

Tom, Apostle of Fruit and Vegetables;

Robert, Apostle of War and Conquest;

Ray, Apostle of Camels and Chariots;

Shaun, Apostle of Palaces and Section 8 Tents;

Steven, Apostle of the Black Gold;

Kathleen, Apostle of Plagues and Shamans;

Arne, Apostle of Schools and Prisons;

And Eric the Zealot, Apostle of Stonings and Crucifixions.

The Twelve were in that order, astride their asses outside Corpus Christi when their master, in the lead on his white colt, asked: “Who do men say that the Son of Man is?” [5]

Robert, his only GOP disciple, was the first to speak. “Jeremiah your Baptist.”

Hillary, whom he had vanquished in the race, was next: “A thief, a megalomaniac, and a Marxist.”

The Son of Man dismissed these answers for he had told the Twelve and the scribes too: “I was not born in a manger. I was actually born on Krypton and sent here to save the Planet Earth.  Barack is actually Swahili for ‘That One.’”

So Rahm kissed his feet. “Behold, thou are That One, the Savior from Krypton.”

Turning in the saddle, the One weighed his chief with a stern eye, thinking he was blowing smoke up his ass. But, seeing that Emmanuel was in earnest, he told him: “Son of Benjamin, you are blessed indeed. You did not learn that from the GOP. So I say this to you: You are Rahm the Rock, and on this rock I will build my administration.” [6]

Transfigured, the One’s face shined like a sun, and his Armani cloak burned white. No less radiant, Moses and Elijah appeared at his side, and he chatted with his colleagues briefly.

After the prophets departed, he told his disciples that he had to go to the capital where he would suffer much from the elders, the lawyers, and the T’baggers.  “Take up your cross and follow me,” he ordered.

All the apostles already hung the sacred T save one. Rahm the Rock wore the Star of David. So, Eric the Zealot handed over his spare T to the Zionist.

Reining his ass for the Beltway, the son of man put his Twelve to the final test: “You must become eunuchs for my heavenly administration. Let those among you accept it who can.”[7]

Hillary, Hilda, and Kathleen bowed for they were now barren. Though the others had grown kids too, Rahm, Robert, Ray Tim, Tom, Shaun, Steve, Arne, and Eric hesitated.

At last the Rock wept,  “So be it, Mr. President!”

He nodded to his brothers, they all slipped on their cups and followed the One’s ass to Washington….


[1] Historically documented quotations are italicized

[2] Luke 9: 55

[3] Luke 5: 8

[4] Luke 5: 11

[5] Matthew 16:13

[6] Matthew 16:18

[7] Matthew 19:12

 

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